it's 4.02am in the morning but i cant help but blog. thoughts start to come back again.

speechless.blank.

I know that God is in control and he has given me a new life, new responsibilities. Kinda glad that i took on those roles. goFish. after leading for afew lessons for 40 DOP, i felt anxiety, satisfaction at the end of it. it wasnt really by me. especially for last week's session, i managed to grab some of their attention. oh wells. i just wanna Thank God for bringing me through that lesson. and i am still so excited to starting leading lessons altho feeling inadequate at the same time. generally, it's still a nice feeling.

Time has never passed so fast before. it was just like yesterday when sem started. and then there was driving. meet my crusade disciple Rebecca! FISH. goFISH. my piano kids. biz cell peeps. projects.assignments.reports. tests. so many and so many. It's God's grace. i would have burnt out without him.like what i am feeling now. kinda feel helpless somehow.somewhat.it's between me and God.

well, mentioning what has been mentioned thus far is not my purpose of blogging. time for random ramblings again.

many people told me to give up. yes. i have been trying to. God has healed my heart. and i've stopped searching. searching for any possible other half cos i know as long as i have You, all is fine. it doesnt matter if i ever meet that person whom you planned for me. all i need is You to fill me.

someone said, everyday is an exciting day with God. yeah it is.

there's this part of me that refuses to admit that my heart says i will never find someone better than you. as much as i wanna erase those memories, they always come back. the smile. the eyes. the times we've spent. prolly cos of the heavier workload recently, there's nothing i can think of other than work work work. they are neverending. if u see 'assignment 1' there's highly a possibility of assignment 2. ah. yeah. i felt that i have moved on. but why.why is it that when i have moved on, there will be something that i discover to bring me back to square one again. why. God, tell me what you wan me to do. It's super frustrating to always go back to the starting point. or, i have never moved on in the first place?

sometimes..in the midst of the laughter with everyone..random thoughts start to cross my mind. how i wish you were there laughing with me. how i wish you were walking beside me right now. how i wish that you are the face that i see when i turn. how i wish we were enjoying the food that i am eating now. how i wish you were the one watching the movie with me. i could give you a list of 'how i wish'. ultimately, they are just wishes. each time i go to the places we've been, it's just like a stab in the heart cos time can never rewind. i never really wanted to admit to anyone and especially myself. i can hide from everyone but not myself and God. but somehow, i came to the conclusion that there's a distinction between hope and hopeful. To me, it's two states of mind. the former can mean you carry the hope but it is recognised that nothing will come in the future. there's the bittersweet memories and it stops there. it doesnt hurt anymore (erm. well prolly a little still). the latter, being hopeful, the sense of anticipating something in the future. dangerous. disappointment will make up the bulk of the emotions later on. hopeful comes first with a phase of disappointment and when that sets in, i guess hope comes in. i dunno. doesnt sound fool proof but i couldnt figure how else to bring it across. that's how i am feeling now. there's no more expectation. but the feeling lingers. It hides at an obscure corner and never leaves. it lives with you throughout, every single day. cliche as it sounds, it's like a black mark that can never be erased.

i din want to say goodbye. but still, i didn't regret putting things to an end. Things couldnt go on that way cos it was wrong. and there might be an even deeper hurt if it carries on.

God, why is it so hard?